From Suicidal to Saved (By Ashley Bowers)

I grew up going to church with my family, but it was a church where people didn’t talk about Jesus, the Gospel, or what it really meant to become a Christian. Since I attended a “Christian” church, I wrongly assumed that I must be a Christian. I also wrongly believed that being a good “Christian” simply meant being a good “person” that I thought I could accomplish through my own personal achievement. The faith I thought I had was shaken my junior year in high school, when my brother was in a severe ski accident, which resulted in a traumatic brain injury. Following that, I had trouble trusting God because of the tragedy that He had allowed to take place in my family’s life. I lacked peace and laid awake at night full of anxiety, wondering if life would ever return to “normal.”

 One of the few coping skills I had was running. I was a perfectionist and sought self-worth through athletic and academic achievements. I enjoyed enduring the pain on the track, because it consumed my mind instead of all the emotional pain I felt at home.

However, running began to not be enough, so I started to engage in self-injurious behaviors to numb the pain. I was depressed and began to contemplate suicide. But I was given the opportunity to run for Virginia Tech, and thought I could literally run away from my problems once I got to college. But I suffered a knee injury one week before leaving for college so I could no longer use running as my outlet.

 Without running I quickly found an excuse start drinking and sought fulfillment in romantic relationships. I continued to try to rehab my knee into my sophomore year, but my track coach finally cut me from the team because my injury wasn’t healing. Later that night, it began to hit me. I couldn’t run competitively anymore; my identity as an athlete and source of self-worth had been stripped away. I had always told myself if I were to be let go from the team my life wouldn’t be worth living anymore. Running was that much of an idol for me that my life depended on it. Also, at this time, my grandma was dying of brain cancer, and I still hadn’t dealt with the tragedy of my brother’s accident that forever changed my family dynamic.

 Later that night, after I had been cut from the team, my self-worth suffered another blow. I found out that I had earned another low grade and my GPA was already suffering. Now my identity as a student was also stripped away. I had reached my breaking point, so I wrote a suicide note, expressing how much pain I was in and that I didn’t want to be a burden to anybody else. Then I went on a drive with the intent to end my life. In the past I’d call a certain friend, when I was having suicidal thoughts. However, on this night, she didn’t answer the phone.

 What I needed, suddenly appeared before my eyes. I saw a cross lit up in front of a church and I pulled into the parking lot, parked my car and looked at the cross. The cross suddenly had new meaning as it finally sunk in that Jesus died and paid the entire penalty for my sins, so I didn’t have to try to atone for them through my achievements or self-punishment anymore. I put what I had to end my life in the passenger seat. Jesus had led me to the point where I was finally willing to turn away from my sins of idolatry and control. I prayed that Jesus would take control and save me from myself, because I couldn’t do life on my own anymore. I can still remember at that moment I felt relief and His comforting presence because I didn’t have to carry my burdens anymore.

 Though not all at once, I began noticing changes. The Bible now had new meaning and power. I had read the Bible in high school, but after that night when I read it seemed like I was reading it for the first time. I now had the power of the Holy Spirit to help me interpret and apply God’s word to my life.

 Through the Word, I also began to experience the renewed mind that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12:2. My sources of identity and self-worth were no longer in achievements but in Christ. Over time my thoughts were transformed as God delivered me from my old thought life. If Satan’s lies did come into my thoughts, the Holy Spirit was quick to extinguish them and fight them with God’s truth. One verse I repeated to myself was John 10:10 “The thief comes to steal and destroy but Jesus came so that you could have life and have it abundantly.”

 I also started praying that God would help me see my life through His eyes, as I continued to process how my family’s life had changed after my brother’s accident. I began to accept the circumstances in my life and realized I didn’t need them to change to experience God’s peace.

 At our previous church in Christiansburg, Virginia, it was required that members be baptized by immersion. Our pastor there, also named Pastor Tim, explained that it is an important step in obedience, so I was baptized by immersion on Christmas in 2011. I know baptism did not save me, but that I had surrendered my life to Christ earlier. As Pastor Tim performs baptisms, he essentially quotes Romans 6:4 and says, “Buried with Jesus by baptism into death, and raised to walk in newness of life”. Baptism is important because conversion is important. From that day, through the power of Christ, I chose to walk in newness of life and have abstained from self-injury since.

 It has been about 10 years since I became a Christian, and I cannot believe all I would have missed out on, had I continued the path I was on. I would have missed the blessings of marriage and children, but most importantly I wouldn’t have the peace of knowing I have eternal life through Jesus Christ.